Self Care, Self Love - Two Paths of Happiness

As mothers, wives, sisters, daughters, employees, care providers, creators, magicians (just making sure you're still with me...but we know it's true; wink, wink), we give so much of ourselves without thinking twice about it. When Friday roles around we wonder why we're so exhausted. Or maybe we actually know why we're exhausted. We might be so knee deep in giving that we find ourselves depleted and with barely enough energy left over to devote to ourselves - once all the myriad of things to do are finally done! In some ways we have little choice about our giving; it's built into our DNA, it's our biological nature! We are after all the givers and nurtures of life. Of course our DNA had no idea we'd also have to hold down fulltime jobs, mow the lawns, drive the three kids to soccer, participate in the PTA, do yoga twice a week, grocery shop, see our therapist, and walk the family dog every night. None-the-less we need not apologize for being loving-giving women. That said, we are as important as anyone in our lives and we are meant to be shown respect, love, and kindness, not only from those to whom we give so freely, but also a recognition from ourselves that we are worthy and deserving of our own best loving.

There are lots of wonderful ways we can be loving to ourselves. For some of us it's a five minute bit of down time at the end of the day, a nice dinner out, a weekend away, a hug to/from our spouse, a good book, a hot bath...you get the point. These are the things I put in the category of self care (a very important part of our lives as women). We all have a few of these special little things can we do to take care of ourselves, lift our spirits, and give us back a little energy...and we are happier for them. Usually, so are our kids, and our mates as well. In all our daily routines to keep life flowing smoothly we can generally integrate a few little bits of happiness in the form of a self care practice or ritual. There are tons of books on the subject of self care especially geared toward women. I know this because I own most of them! I am an avid self help book reader. They are really helpful too. I've gotten a ton of ideas and new ways of thinking about things that have helped me take better care of myself over the years. And believe me during in the early years as a single parent in graduate school with a part time job and an over anxious child I needed all the help I could get.

But there is another less talked about form of self care; I call self love. You might be wondering what the difference is between self care and self love. Well first of all they are not exclusive of one another. They each play an important role in our overall wellbeing, long term health, and especially in our feelings of self worth - which is important when as natural givers.

The difference between self care and self love is a fine line between loving our bodies and loving our souls. When we love our bodies, generally speaking, we nurture ourselves with "things". When we love our souls we are touching a deeper part of our being by saying to our spirit we are truly loveable, loving, worthy, and perfect as we are. In self love we are discovering ways to find a deeper joy in living rather than a moment of peace away from it all. Don't get me wrong, we all need a moment of peace away from it all from time to time. But, as we grow in love for ourselves, eventually we find that our momentary needs give way to something richer and more sustaining; a feeling of inner-calm - or if you don't mind the cliché "inner-peace." Because, when we love ourselves deeply we are more at peace with everything (including ourselves) more of the time. I know, now you're wondering how you get to that place, right? Well, there are no secret formulas or anything like that...and of course I can only share with you my thoughts and experiences...but now that I've brought it up and the idea is fresh in your consciousness you have the opportunity to explore the answers for yourself. Who knows for some of you this may be the beginning of seeking and finding your inner peace. In the meantime, while you're looking around for that, how about I share some of my thoughts with you on the matter? I'm even going to toss in an exercise at the end if you want to get started right away.

As a therapist I have the privilege of working with people who are willing to step out of their comfort zone and allow me, a virtual stranger, to be a witness to their always amazing human transformation. Now first of all I am not a magician (wink, wink). My clients do not transform because of me...they transform because of their desire to heal. I am merely a facilitator in the process, but I digress. In my work I have observed many people in certain states of being which one could describe as depression, anxiety, or just plain suffering. These individuals tend to suffer regardless of how much money they earn, how much love they receive from others, how many blessings they have in their lives, how many vacations they take, and so on. For many of my clients there is a common link when it comes to suffering...and that is the cycle of resistance they engage in that keeps them from fully loving themselves and from fully enjoying their lives.

The first part of the cycle of resistance generally starts with a feeling or belief that, on some level, we find intolerable. Ever notice for whatever reason, when you're in a certain feeling/thought space you instantly feel angry, irritable, sad, ungrateful, unloved, and restless! We aren't always aware of the connection between our thoughts and feelings but believe me they exist for most of us in some way. When we are in these moments it's very difficult to separate out our feelings from our feelings about our feelings. You can see how things get complicated pretty quickly. The difficulty arises when we move into a place of self judgment about our feeling/thoughts. When we are in judgment we are engaged in a battle of resistance within ourselves...and guess what? We usually come out feeling worse. This battle takes on many forms but generally speaking it's an engagement in anything that keeps us from simply experiencing our intolerable feelings/thoughts. You may recognize this in yourself or someone close to you. For example when you feel emotionally uncomfortable you may spend a lot of time filling your day with meaningless stuff...taking on more than the usual load. You may notice yourself over spending, over eating, or even over sleeping; basically anything that keeps you out of the feeling. We do this because when we are in judgment of ourselves we are essentially rejecting our very core. When we reject ourselves we experience suffering. When we experience suffering we are compelled to move away from what feels bad, thus perpetuating our self rejection. For some people this cycle can feel overwhelming and eventually develop into long term depression or anxiety disorders.

Here are a few key things to consider:

o Feelings are energy. A feeling cannot in and of itself hurt you.

o The energy of our feelings needs to flow.

o When we hold onto or resist the movement of the energy of our emotions we can become emotionally constipated or stuck. Sometimes the opposite will happen and we can become overly sensitive or highly emotional all the time.

o The energy of our feelings constrict in their flow when we are in judgment, in avoidance, and/or in denial of them.

So, on our journey toward self love, we must somehow muster up the courage to face our selves. To allow our feelings to be valid and honored and know that in the process we are giving rise to the possibility of joy. We do this by loving ourselves, our feelings, and our thoughts as much, as deeply, as openly, warmly, and kindly as we do for others. Here are a few steps you can practice to help you along the way.

One of my favorite writers is David Richo, a Buddhist Psychologist, who developed the principle of the five A's in his book How to Be An Adult. The five A's are Attention, Acceptance, Appreciation, Affection, and Allowing. While studying energy work in Durango, Colorado a few years ago I became intimately familiar with his work during my own journey of growth and self love. Here is a glimpse of that process for you to use in any way that feels healing to you.

Exercise in Self Love: Consider a problem, a difficult feeling, or situation (past or present) that you notice you are struggling with or feeling some amount of suffering/discomfort as a result of.

1. Make a conscious effort to be with this issue. Find a quiet spot where you can get cozy; if possible. Before you get started make a mental note, or write down, on a scale of 1-10, how intense or distressing the feeling of 'suffering' is right now as a result of your thoughts, feelings, or situation. (1 = least distressing, 10=most distressing). This is a guide so you can track your overall progress in the reduction of your feelings of suffering.

2. If you would like, write down a few sentences about the issue (or hold it in your mind if that's easier...like if you are in the shower or something.)

3. Bring your issue fully into your mind. See it. Sit with it. Observe it. Spend a moment giving it your full attention. (The way you might give your attention to your child if she came to you in pain.) Attention is simply being aware of the present moment; observing, listening, and noticing all the feelings at play.

4. In being with your thought, feeling, or situation, refrain, best you can from making any judgments about it. If you notice your mind wondering into judgmental territory gently guide your awareness back to the original feeling, thought, or situation. View [it] like you are watching it role by on a movie screen; passing in front of you - just observing the thoughts and feelings as they role along.

5. Now that you are well on your way toward fully experiencing the thought, feeling, or situation, and you have given it adequate attention, take a few deep breaths in and find that soft spot of Acceptance. (This can feel hard at first, but you can just practice by saying "I accept myself as I am in this moment; I accept these difficult feelings...etc.)

6. Once you have given yourself the gift of acceptance take some more breaths and see if you can connect with the feeling of Appreciation. Again see yourself for a moment the way you see your children - think of all the appreciation you have for them - now look to yourself once more and in the space of acceptance of all you are right now, give some appreciation for all your gifts, your limits, your longings, and your poignant human predicament; which may be your own feeling of suffering at the moment.

7. Wow, way to go. You are coming along wonderfully. Now with the same intent in mind bring the feelings of Affection for yourself right to the surface. Watch the uncomfortable feelings in you to shift from fear/shame/guilt/sadness to those you see in a child who have just been given love by a caring grown up. You can also integrate your self-care plans here - show some care and love in any way that feels nurturing to you. This may simply be to say you love yourself, or maybe you just focus on bringing lovingness into your heart.

8. Finally, be in the space of Allowing. Allowing your life and love to be just as they are, with all their ecstasy and ache, without trying to take control. Allowing yourself to be where you are in the feelings, thoughts, or situation. In the grit of life. Whole and beautiful. In this space you see there is nothing to change or fix. You simply are...so breathe.

These are not easy principles to digest or apply to our lives. They take time, consideration, and practice. What they teach us is that we are okay just the way we are...with all our foibles and deficits... in this space of unconditional love we open the door to the freedom to experience ourselves and our lives with joy. I hope in some small way this has been helpful to you.

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As a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, natural empath, Certified Energy Practitioner and Certified Wholistic Kinesiologist, Lisa offers practical advice with a touch of spirit guided intuition to assist you with all matters of the body, mind, and spirit. http://www.healinghearttherapies.com